Some other religions actually get it partly right, but are tainted by the overtly or subtly implicit notion that each of us has inherent worth. We don't. Whoa! That's something a lot of people would disagree with. In fact, I've heard a ton of objections to the notion that human beings are nothing but groveling sinners. That is not what I am saying. If that were true, then it would be really easy to see Christianity's truth (no one would do any good but Christians) - the thing is, we can accomplish some "good" by our own efforts. Not only that, but this "good" makes us feel good - it inspires pride, heals wounds, and feeds the hungry. It saves the innocent, eases suffering, and grants happiness and security. What's the problem then? There is a difference between this good and the good that Christ calls us to - this good we work towards, and can be proud of when we accomplish it. It's a goal in just about every religion I've looked at (including Satanism!) and in humanistic and atheistic circles - but in Christianity it's a consequence, not a goal. That really didn't seem important to me, but it is of incredible importance. You see (bear with me if you don't believe in God), we were created by God. As such, we derive all value from Him - we don't have any "on our own," as we wouldn't even exist on our own. When we begin to believe "hey, that was a good job I did" - we say to God "Well, yes, you created me, but I as an individual seem to be pretty good now!" But we cannot summon up this "goodness" when everything we are is from God. "Ah," you say, "everything including the nastiness we're capable of?" It seems that God, in his infinite power, has given us the freedom to choose whether to do good or bad. And here is the important part - where other religions say "Do good!", Christ says "I know you can't always do good, accept your imperfection, kneel down, accept me as Lord, and cease believing in your own merit!" That's hard. It doesn't seem so at first, at least it didn't to me... But the more I thought about it, the more I realized every corner of my consciousness was tainted by the implicit notion that I was a cool dude - that I was ok - that I deserved some respect. AND THAT IN ITSELF IS SIN! It is denying God's work in creating you, and lifting myself up as independently worthy. This is a catch-22, you see - the very act of thinking I can accomplish good elevates myself to the status only God deserves (source of good), and makes me unworthy of that status!

Ok, that makes sense in a logical, abstract sort of way, but seems awfully pointless to my intuition. Hint: my intuition has got the problem the rest of my consciousness has. Can I think of a better solution? How about we are judged according to whether we were good or bad in life, and there is, I suppose, a certain "threshold" of goodness required to join God (I don't speak of the term "heaven" much - I think it's too overloaded with connotations and is used symbolically in the bible), never mind how this "threshold" is set (already a huge 'fairness' problem). Well, this would be saying that some of us are inherently better than others - that we were either more "good", or better at "choosing good" (the same thing). Thus, (since all good comes from God), God would have bestowed some of us with more good, and others with less (or some of us with a better likelihood of choosing good). This hardly seems "fair" - the universe would be merely a giant game, God moving around the pieces. Furthermore, we would have no responsibility for our actions - after all, God made us the way we are. We might try to do good to put us in the group that gets God's favor, but that very act reveals our unworthiness: we either believe we have merit in ourselves (putting us in equality with God), or believe we know who God accepts (believing we know the mind of God - again putting us in equality with Him).

Well, this all sucks, because no one can join God under these rules. Fortunately, this is not the way things work. God is good. And God does require us to be good to join Him. In ancient Israel, God laid out a ton of laws to define goodness. But in the end, no one could keep them all. Did God set a threshold? No, he merely forgave - showed grace. "Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the Lord your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people." So did God say "Hey, your bad stuff is ok, come on over anyway."? No, the bad stuff has got to go. But what is the bad stuff, really? Killing? Stealing? NO! It's not some list of do's and dont's. It's simply what I've already discussed: believing in your own self-worth. But trying to become the good that you can feel you need to be summarily ruins the good, as I've talked about. So what can we do? Admit it. Admit that we put ourselves first, and that we don't deserve God. Admit that God created us, and only through Him do we derive any worth at all. God gave us one thing: free will. We can choose to submit that free will to Him, and give up our notion of self-worth, gaining a notion of worth through God. Wait, so why did Jesus even come? Is he even needed? And after we admit this, are we done? Can we do whatever we want then?

So far, things have been pretty logical. But there remain the problems just mentioned, in addition to the problem that we continue to backslide, putting ourselves first, believing in our own good, becoming proud... We need to go back to the basics again: we have no inherent merit. That is, when we we die, we die. Why? We are conscious, physical beings. If we don't live on in spirit once we die, we die indeed. Life (which is "good", if you truly disagree you probably shouldn't be able to read this :) is only from God. If we don't join Him somehow, whatever is left of us after we die (only the essence, no spirit-hauling meat machine), would cease to exist on it's own (or exist in a very unhappy state). The life we are granted here in physical form is God-breathed, but unless our spirit is God-breathed as well, it can't exist in it's current state on it's own. But again, to join God, we must not be "bad", i.e. we must acknowledge Him as God. But what of our failures to do so, even after we admit that we have no worth without Him - our backslides? Our spirits must become God-breathed in order for us to join God eternally (starting now, not just after physical death - since then it will be too late). How can this contradiction occur? God approving us, granting us spiritual "life" - goodness, while we remain unworthy of this approval. Does God become hypocritical or in conflict with Truth? No, he takes a radical step - he maintains justice by suffering the separation and "death" we deserve for us.

This part is both hard to defend and hard to attack because it is so weird. Or at least I thought it was weird. After years of reflection, it became (and yet becomes) more and more amazing. Just like the inconceivability of creating a free will, God suffering for us is a testament to his mystery, power, and love. And it works. Jesus, God stepping down and becoming human, was the one person perfect enough to "join" God after physical death. But he somehow underwent the unthinkable - separation from Himself - in order to show his infinite love for us. And thus, though we fail, justice is preserved in this tragic, beautiful, mysterious event. And once we understand this, we can know from where our salvation must come, if we are to join God - refuting our self-worth, instead relying on our worth through Jesus's sacrifice, which pays for all our sins (past, future.. what is time to God?), and is evidenced by a change in heart. Yes, we are still imperfect, as we still choose to serve ourselves. But in yielding to Christ's call, we are set free to give him ever more control, and how wonderful that is! Note that it is nice to have these concepts illuminated, and God calls us to illuminate them as well as we can to fully experience the joy of what he has created for us. But the concepts work without the names, and I believe that Jesus' sacrifice would pay for someone who showed the humility and yielding of self-service, whether they knew of Jesus or not. "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." - from the old testament. So, our worth is not ultimately about what we do (rules, the "law" in the old testament of the bible), but about who we accept as king over us - ourselves (implicitly or explicitly), or Jesus. Once we accept him as king, we can't help but begin to do things differently - loving God, and loving others equally as much as we love ourselves.

I think only recently have I really understood what being a "Christian" means, and I've "been" one for 14 years. The absolutely critical issue is control - do we think we deserve control over ourselves? And of course, if we say yes, we go about trying to fulfill our own desires - and society is only too happy to lead us to believe that it's possible with this car, that woman or man, this level of acadmic, military, social, or economic rank... But because we were created to join God, none of this crap will ultimately work (though it fools everyone sometimes). We can get along ok, and I don't know that "hell" is really a firey place. I think it might just be what we ask for - our own self-worth. Since we didn't create ourselves, that amounts to: nothing - separation from God, who did create us. Dunno if this is conscious separation, or annihilation, or what... But I believe I am imperfect, and anything good in me is from God, and that Jesus is creating in me a new creation, to be completed in eternity with Him.

I'm positive about what I've discussed concerning religion - and I need no "religion" as long as I'm confident in Jesus. The most tempting alternative, therefore, is atheism. How can I fulfill my need for God? Dismiss that need as superstition! Yield to chemistry the responsibility for all my "soul" wrenching experiences. I think I need to discuss this further, but for now let me say that I believe because God gave me the ability to do so, and in my life, hasn't let me down when I've counted on Him being there. Because for all the certainty that I have about certain worldly processes, I feel even more certain about what I've discovered of God. I can't express in words the crystal clarity God has exposed time after time after time as I have sought him. "Seek and ye shall find."... That has rung true in my life, and until it fails me, atheism is an untenable position for both my intellect and my soul. It's essential to maintain the basics, of course, lest "God's truth" become an excuse to kill, pillage, steal... We have no worth, we depend on God for worth, God calls us to love...

The hardest part for me has always been "what about a non-believer?" Could a loving God really punish someone for not doing the right thing? But I had two misunderstandings working against me: One, that the person's "error" was as simple as failing to say some prayer or something. Well, I've already discussed the necessity of Jesus and accepting His worth, not our own - but you can see that "non-Christians" might qualify (though their life would be very different), and certain "Christians" might not. This is a controversial topic, and I'm not an expert, so I won't claim anything for certain, but my understanding is that a true change in heart is what is required. And what that means for you clears up my second misunderstanding: that the "punishment" is some sort of God-doled-out pain. No, it's merely continuing in the limitations you currently experience in some form or another for eternity. Which, compared to joining God, is "hell". Getting mad at God, which I did, misses the point. God makes it simple, give up your sovereignty. This is hard for us free-wills to do, but getting mad at the system doesn't help - either we join in, or miss out on something we never deserved in the first place. Who are we to restrict God to using only intellect? I use all of my intellect in my faith, but I also use all of my spirit. I used to get mad that something other than pure intellect was required, but it's wonderful that it is - it adds the dimension that I was lacking to my life.